But what if it all worked out?

Detail image of 2018 “Shades We Wear” art installation in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

I’m calling myself out tonight because I’m seeing friends, family, and colleagues suffer from the same thing right now in different nuanced ways. I’m witnessing fear of success. I’m experiencing fear of success. I am confronting fear of success.

You may be thinking, nah Steph, it’s fear of failure for me. But I’d like to argue that they are two sides of the same coin. I’m so used to the pressure of perfection and productivity that I honestly don’t know what to do with myself without it. I imagine I’d watch more TV, sleep longer, dream more and create more. But I don’t even allow myself to get there. I don’t allow myself to experience a mind free of that pressure. That pressure is there because I am inherently afraid of failure in my subconscious. My lived experiences and conscious mindset is well aware that failure is really just a lesson learned and that rejection paves the way for what is meant to be. However subconsciously I’m not fully bought in because what if all works out…. Those what if questions are exciting but reveal its less about failure and much more about using failure and pressure as a crutch.

What if nothing goes to plan and I still make it on the other side? What if everything works out and I am actually debt free? What happens when I actually have more money than I need? What happens when all my basic needs are met because my actions and work put in resulted in exactly what I hoped for?

I think what I’m seeing is lots of people around me battling the same questions in their mind for different reasons. These shifts and leaps of faith or acts of truly trusting yourself and your self-worth often come with evolution that isn’t for everybody. What if leaving a need-based mindset empowered you to start that business you always wanted? What if going for your dream opportunity results in you separating from someone or some place you love? You can say you’re praying for a solution or waiting on God, but what are you actively doing to facilitate the blessing you say you’re waiting for? How might your “waiting” or perceived “patience” be actually disguising your own fear of betting on yourself and getting out of your comfort zone?

In my art practice, I often say that I lean into friction when composing my art works. Uncomfortable and unfamiliar situations make room for us to ruminate; they challenge our status quo. My argument is that these are catalysts for the best types of evolution and mind set shifts that prepare us for what’s next; our greater.

I’m out here trying to listen to my own advice. God has a way of reflecting my own issues in the world around me and I’m too tuned into now not to listen to it. So, I’m here obeying and writing.

Self-portrait of myself seated in an Italo Business Class train car where I was reminded how great it is to work from anywhere, including a train car in Italy.

I’ve been back from my European travels for 6 weeks now and I’m now just writing again. During my time away I started a podcast and set up a new site for my blog. I even took time off social media to filter out the noise so I could better tune into myself and God. I ended up staying off social media even after I returned but that trade off was supposed to be me spending more time writing and sharing of myself on my blog. I came back refreshed. I came back having slow early mornings. Stretching with my husband and going on long walks together with my dog. I came back with new boundaries around work and my workload. And if I’m being honest every week, I have struggled to maintain it because of the pressure of progress, productivity, and money (homeownership is a lot).

Currently, my new healthy work habits are combatting old unhealthy work habits. I’m looking for balance and setting new healthy expectations for myself. As I do that, I’m finding two things. (1) I am self-sabotaging by procrastination or seeking more work to busy myself with instead of dealing with what I have at hand. (2) The closer I feel to my next evolution, it scares me as much as it excites me.

I want to be the woman that leads by example. I don’t want to be the woman that gives advice or shares wisdom that I don’t apply to my own life. So, I’m here, transparently sharing that I’m trying. As I see my loved one’s struggle in their own situations it weighs on me. I want to go in and save them. But spirit is telling me that the best way I can help them right now is by being honest with myself and by being a living example. I just got to stay the course. I know the lane I’m in and I have an idea of where I am going. Right now, I’m in a season of consistency. I’m looking to consistently bet on myself and nurture the opportunities at hand now. In the past I’ve struggled with this and it just left me more frustrated. So, I’m pushing through the discomfort and choosing me and what I know I’m capable of everyday, one day at a time.

Self-portrait toasting to an end of a memorable day on the island of Ischia with fellow artist Arielle Toelke.

I am mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically preparing my body for a life and mindset free of pressure to produce. I know that the desires of my heart are there for a reason. I know that I have been and will continue to be provided with the skills and opportunities I need to help me achieve my dreams and those of others.

Here’s to taking it one day at a time. Here’s to saying, “Anxiety you will not win”. Here’s to giving myself my own flowers. Here’s to grace. Here’s to embracing it all working out regardless of where the chips may fall. Here’s to walking into uncharted territories. Here’s to embodying the phrase, everything happens for a reason.

What are you secretly or not so secretly afraid of?
Ask yourself a what if question and think about what’s holding you back from accepting that for yourself today. If you feel comfortable sharing in the comments, let’s claim it with positive affirmations together. I look forward to your thoughts and affirming your dreams for yourself.