Mourning What Could, What Was, and What Will
Practicing being present feels like acting. The better my performance the better I feel. But I’m truly working on that performance becoming my new reality. My reality is something I can shape and manipulate. It’s an interesting process to embark on without direction.
I am mourning the infinity of possibilities of my future by accepting the past and choosing to be present regardless of what may be ahead. I’m learning to become radically honest with my optimism and my pessimism. The radical truth is, I know nothing. Nothing is promised nor guaranteed. Yet nothing is impossible either.
I experience high performing or high functioning anxiety. I fear the unknown, I tense up at the imperfection of a plan. I plan for the infinity possibilities ahead. All of my plans have plans and those plans have back up plans. Their habits keep me from being present and feeling the omnipresence of time all around me.
I’ve been on a long journey battling to balance the planner in me with the openness and safety of phrases like ‘c’est la vie’. Striving to be present and not so concerned about yesterday and tomorrow. The key I have found so far is mourning the deaths of what could, what was, and what will.
I’ve been wearing this thumb ring that reads: “C’est la vie” since 2014 as a personal mantra.
The process begins with acknowledgment and acceptance. For me I use writing and now this blog to help facilitate the removal of so much in my head to this site or one of my many physical journals. To post the blog is like saying it out loud for me. I monumentalize my desires binding me in fear right now to finally extend myself the grace and mental capacity I long for to move on to something else. Often I am too anxious about the future that I’m missing out on today.
So today I choose to acknowledge the following things I am mourning.
I am mourning my year 30 and Saturn return.
I am mourning getting pregnant on my own
I am mourning the spontaneity and magic of conception and pregnancy.
I am mourning birthing my own children.
I am mourning working one job.
I am mourning living overseas long term.
I am mourning the fear of my spiritual gifts.
I am mourning hiding myself behind accomplishments.
I am mourning my expectations of motherhood.
I am mourning my high performing anxiety.
I am mourning the books I never published.
I am mourning the books I didn’t write.
I am mourning the fear of my own strength/power.
I am mourning negative thoughts.
I am mourning depression.
I am mourning not choosing me first.
I am mourning exploring the island with Hansel.
I am mourning uncovering my ancestral guide.
I am mourning my children not having grandfathers.
Two cards I pulled from the Radical Vision Tarot Deck by Arielle Toelke
The expectation is that by mourning these things, emotions, people, opportunities, thoughts and more I acknowledge them. I give them space to be seen, heard and felt. And then I release them of their power. I release them of their importance. I release them from expectation. I thank them and give them grace to be what they are, were, or will be in their own time and reality all at once.
I think the more I do this practice, the better I can exist in the here and now. I’ll be better prepared to receive what I’m meant to. New perspectives, new blessings, new opportunities, all while just accepting me for the culmination of myself absent of time.
Yes, many things on my list will take time, but it’s more about the process and practice then it is about crossing things off my mourning list. I think it’s natural to be in this state of mind since we are always evolving and growing. But how can I evolve and expand if I’m confined by yesterday’s box. I think for me and my mental health I want to learn acceptance and grace for whatever comes my way.
