Stepping into my own: An Introduction to Stephanie Squared the Blog
You’ll hear this from me time and time again. I do not believe in coincidences. I wholeheartedly believe that everything and anything happens for a reason. Your random can quickly become your divine. Your spontaneity can evolve into your meaning or reason for whatever season you find yourself in.
As I write this I’m listening to the soundtrack for Queen Charlotte: A Bridgeton Story by Netflix. My heart is moved immensely listening to the strings. Every stroke of a chord draws me across the universe. Like a chain abruptly yanking my heart from out of my chest as my body struggles to follow along.
Immediately after binge watching the series over 2 days in New York with my best friend Monee, I got on a plane to go to Italy for a scheduled art residency and I’ve been in a bit of an emotional complex ever since. I found myself missing my husband, even my dog, far too soon for what would be a week journey for me. Thankfully I had a therapy session the first weekend of my arrival and that helped me put some things into perspective. I had my action items, I had my look in the mirror, just to discover what I missed the most was me. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression and the emotional rollercoaster has been exhausting, it put me in the hospital last December and then hit me again 48 hours later in the form of a kidney infection. All the while still mourning the loss of my father-in-law, father, my first pregnancy, and multitude of unknowns ahead. So, you take all of that, slap the emotional intensity of Queen Charlotte on it, new environment, oh and also Mother’s Day that just passed and there you have a very sunken Stephanie.
I admittedly am afraid of my own success and power. It’s been revealed to me incrementally over the years. I’ve consciously sought it out. Sought to understand it and test it across various parts of my life. But as of late its so evident in my life it frightens me. I feel so close to things childhood Stephanie dreamed of and I find myself freezing, slowing down, and holding back. I feel my recent fear of death impeding on my mobility and mentality. I feel so sure about the desires the most High put in my heart. They allow me to dream big and offer great consultation to others yet I’m ignoring myself and my calling in small ways that the public may not be aware of, but I am intimately aware of. It is time I listen to my own advice and step into the spotlight I’ve been shying away from. My therapist asked me what legacy do I want to leave behind. I want to live a life of impact, I replied. I want to make a difference to others and society through my own thoughts and actions. But my life should be a portrayal of that. I want my kids to admire the way I have helped others but also helped myself.
If I’m going to be afraid of death I might as well go hard each day living. I think I’m finally ready to just do it and do it scared praying that what’s on the other side will liberate me from my fear and anxiety. To be clear I’m not anxious about doing it as much as I am anxious about not doing it and running out of time to accomplish and seek out the desires of my heart.
“If you aren’t going all the way, why go at all?” – Joe Namath
Her follow up homework assignment was for me to acknowledge all the things I have accomplished in my life so far because she says I have done a lot. She wants me to sit in my accomplishments and award myself the flowers and the grace I too often fail to give myself. I’ve already unpacked the several reasons why I do this and I’m actively working to unlearn and correct this poor habit.
So today is a new day. Blog post day 1 on my new site. Moment 1 to try again. My new beginning of returning to what I know and what my heart desires. I desire to have a blog, to have a YouTube channel, to document my art journey, to support other artists, to become a sustainable international full-time artist myself, to build community both physically and virtually, to launch an art education franchise, to publish books, to mother my own children, to generate wealth I can pass down, and to establish a home for myself outside of America to live 6 months out of the year. I am not 100% sure what I’ll accomplish, nor how, nor when. What I do know is that these desires exist for a reason, and I’ll learn to take it one day at a time while being grateful for every step and ounce of progress made.
While scared, nervous, and with sweaty armpits as I type this, haha, I re-introduce you to Stephanie.
I am Stephanie Brown.
A moment of sun in Bacoli after 6 straight days of rain.
The 5th born child and daughter of Sam and Pansy.
Granddaughter to Joe, Inez, Hezekiah, and Lenette
Great-granddaughter to Johnathan, Jestina, Stanley, Wilhelmina, Uriah, Roseta, Abraham, and Ester Jane
I am an international artist, a writer, historian, speaker, designer, leader, mentor, and a seer.
I love love, spirit, storytelling, travel, uncovering revelations, the land, languages, food and fitness.
I am a child of the island. A student of the sea.
Stephanie Squared is an alias that represents all of me.
I free myself at this moment from all goals and aspirations with this blog and this entire website. I free myself from any pressure to achieve, excel, or produce. I give myself permission to just exist and share when and how I wish as documentation of my journey through this time to evolve and shape whatever will be.
